My Boyfriend Still Texts His Ex?!
I thought you might be able to help me out with a problem I’m having with my stupid boyfriend. I went through his phone the other day and found text messages from his ex, and read through his replies. They were pretty harmless, nothing dirty, but one or two were talking about meeting up again! I have cut ties will all of my exs, so what’s he doing?
Do you think he still has feelings for his ex? And what do you think I should I do about it?
Thanks for your help – Loving the site,
Ruth, 27,
London, UK.
Hi Ruth,
This one is more straightforward than you think, but you need confidence and patience to fix things. It could all be innocent - but remember, a faithful man is a man who avoids situations where he could cheat, so firstly explain to him that texting his ex is not acceptable and could lead to something else. He may not realise how much it upsets you.
Then be sure to keep checking his phone to see if anything changes, but be careful hunny, as this can often lead to more suspicion, becoming more of an unhealthy habbit than anything productive… so make sure that doesn’t happen.
Now, he may still have feelings for her yes, some people never seem to get over their past relationships. However I’ve always prefer to say, good riddance to useless rubbish!
If he continues to text her after you’ve discussed it or goes ahead and meets her, I’m afraid there is very little you can do hunny. But at the end of the day if he cares enough about your feelings and his relationship he’s sure to either stop speaking to her, or at least reach a compromise you are both happy with.
Best of luck Ruth and stay in touch,
Mike x
What's up - I'm Rich, and this is my blog, ReallyRich.com - Your Online Gay Best Friend. I'm a pretty average British guy. I love tea, I hate spiders. Don't forget to catch me on Facebook and Twitter!
I disagree…you either trust him or you don’t. I understand why it would upset you, but you just snooped through his phone…you shouldn’t have done that to begin with. If you want a relationship to work it has to be on the premis of complete honesty and openess..and to be harsh, if he wants to cheat he will do it, you snooping and questioning him in this manner will only push him to do it.
Be open about how it makes you feel, but don’t expect him to drop someone from his life because it isn’t fair, and I doubt you would appreciate him asking the same of you. The fact they are talking sugests that are both over it and have moved on. I am friends with a couple of my exes…and that is all it is, and if my boyfriend asked me to stop seeing them then more than likely I would stop seeing him. The lack of trust in me, and the relationship would be insulting.
I suggest you stop looking through his phone, but ask him to be honest about it all.
Good luck! Iknow it isn’t easy
xx
If you were checking his phone I think it is reasonable to assume you have a problem with trust? Have you been hurt in the past? I am a really jealous person by nature but being 34 and have been through a handful of relationships, I can safely say the one I am in now is by far the most secure I have every been in. Why? Because I have learned to trust him 100%. In the beginning I had to bite my tongue not to ask jealous type questions, where you going? who with? what girls will be there?, you know the sort of thing I mean. Over time I have learned not even to think these things now and I can see that looking back, these were the sorts of questions that pushed old boyfriends away. As awful as it is – if he is the type to cheat, then he will cheat and you will find out about it. This is not the sort of person you want to spend you life with, so get rid and move on. If you keep checking his phone or question him about it you will slowly push him away making him resent you. You could potentially put the idea into his head as other girls suddenly seem more appealing. Until you have reason not to trust him (solid evidence, not just a text to an ex about general stuff) you have to trust him. It’s hard and I appreciate that but you have to act as if you trust him 100% and slowly you will start to. When a friend of mine had been cheated on I made sure I talked to him about it and how hurt I would be if I had someone do that to me. He knows my thoughts on the subject and I know he agrees with me – all without having to mention anything about our own relationship.
Hope things improve for you, I know exactly how you feel
xx
His past should be just that, his past. Why hide whats supposingly harmless or “nothing”
Try reading I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper – a book for anyone who needs help and advice dealing with their partner’s past relationship(s) – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!
I just did a google search on how to deal with finding texts on your boyfriend’s phone from his ex….After reviewing Google’s results I clicked on this link…I’m glad I did. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this! You most likely have dealt with a trust issue in your past…WHO HASN’T?!?!
I was in an 8 year relationship with a man that looking back, I should have left after 6 months (those times were fun). I learned that he had (2) children and neither of them by me.
8 months after that relationship ended (not that it was a clean break…though it really should’ve been) I met an AMAZING MAN! He’s kind, respectful, GORGEOUS (never knew I could be so lucky), responsible, level headed, etc.
Needless to say… I HAVE TRUST ISSUES!!! After reading the posts and responses here I am torn. I went through his phone before after an outing that seemed suspicious to me and found that he was texting a coworker that is also a good friend’s ex girlfriend. Nothing harmless per say…but open for interpretation…. I text her back and well… the next day I confessed to him and he was far from impressed with the invasion of privacy but also was understanding of where I was coming from. (He really is pretty reasonable, which at time makes me feel crazy).
Since then there really hasn’t been any issues…unknown to him (I think)I have continued to look through his phone and although there has been communications with females I may not have known about, there is nothing concerning on the topics. I DO KNOW that he is aware of my trust issue and at times has the best of intentions to “protect” me by not sharing things.
So…. here is the question for all of you: Last weekend we say his most recent ex at the park where we take our dog, it was brief…a quick wave, no biggie. She emailed him later that night or the next day and said it was nice seeing him…yada yada. He told me about this and before he sent his reply asked me to read it and wanted me to know. This is respectful and I did appreciate it. I told him I didn’t need to read it to me so he read it aloud and I told him it was nice and thanked him for sharing it.
Now…. here we are 3 days later and I looked through his phone. I tend to do so from time to time.. I just can’t shake it. I discovered texts from his ex prior to the one we saw at the park and from what I know… has a stronger bond with… she sent him a link to a song telling him that when she hears it all she thinks about is him. The next day he replied with something like “there are a lot of songs that make me think of you”. “I don’t remember the name of it but the one that……”
Side note: I am using this as a journal right now to a certain extent… and thank you
I know there are issues so here we go.
A. Do I stop looking through his phone?
B. Do I tell him what I found looking through his phone? (he wasn’t so impressed the first time)
C. Should I play it cool? I don’t want to drive him away. And this isn’t me being desperate, he really is quite a freaking catch on many levels… but of course I’m not willing to be taken advantage of just to keep a “catch”. He’s kind, funny, successful, APPRECIATIVE and loves his Mom (who lives hundreds of miles away).
D. I have a REALLY HARD TIME if I try to bottle these things up. I don’t do so well and he knows something is bothering me. I don’t want to push him away but I also want to be treated with the respect that I feel I deserve.
E. Are all relationships hard? I know that EVERY relationship requires some “give and take”. But… when do you know that you should hang on at the RISK of being heart broken again???
That’s what it really is for me I think. I’m scared of being the victim again. But I don’t want that fear to take over this relationship with what I believe to be a truly great man and push him away… GRRRRRR. How do I or do I drive out the thoughts that consume me after KNOWING what is being texted?!?!?!?
Hey Kay!
Sorry if that isn’t your name – I only have your e-mail address to go on! Wow, what a predicament! I know your comment was long and you had a good rant (and so you should), but I’m going to keep this very brief! You’ve told me he’s amazing, he’s everything you’re looking for and you really like him. You’ve checked his phone which is wrong, but we all do it. You’ve found nothing really – let’s be honest. You’ve checked lots of times and haven’t found a thing. Better yet, he’s not deleting the texts and hiding them – they’re all there for you to see. However, he should not be in contact with ex girlfriends if it makes you insecure. It is there responsibility to leave him alone, and his responsibility to tell them straight that it’s not appropriate for them to contact him. Do not mention you have looked through his phone, instead, talk to him about your insecurities and ask that he refrains from any contact with ex girlfriends – he’s an understanding guy, so he’s likely to oblige.
I hope that helps lover…
Kisses, Rich xx
i’m going though this atm, my boyfriends facebook was left logged in and he’s lied to me in the past about things so i had a little look in the messages. i found messages dating back for months between him and his ex apologising for being a rubbish boyfriend like he was hinting for her to say something like she’d like him back! also found out he’s been texting her when we argue. he’s denied txing her for about 5 months so he’s lying to my face. i dont know what to do! i’ve kicked off at him about it and typical of him he’s just stopped speaking to me. aint replied to my texts, aint rang me etc. i found a valentines card off this girl in his room that he’s kept and he’s constantly chatting to her on facebook. she does his invoices and never told me they dated until his nan let it slip he just kept saying they were mates. so confused on what to do!!