My Boyfriend Still Texts His Ex?!

My Boyfriend Still Texts His Ex?!

Hi Mike,

I thought you might be able to help me out with a problem I’m having with my stupid boyfriend. I went through his phone the other day and found text messages from his ex, and read through his replies. They were pretty harmless, nothing dirty, but one or two were talking about meeting up again! I have cut ties will all of my exs, so what’s he doing?

Do you think he still has feelings for his ex? And what do you think I should I do about it?

Thanks for your help – Loving the site,

Ruth, 27,

London, UK.

Hi Ruth,

This one is more straightforward than you think, but you need confidence and patience to fix things. It could all be innocent - but remember, a faithful man is a man who avoids situations where he could cheat, so firstly explain to him that texting his ex is not acceptable and could lead to something else. He may not realise how much it upsets you.

Then be sure to keep checking his phone to see if anything changes, but be careful hunny, as this can often lead to more suspicion, becoming more of an unhealthy habbit than anything productive… so make sure that doesn’t happen.

Now, he may still have feelings for her yes, some people never seem to get over their past relationships. However I’ve always prefer to say, good riddance to useless rubbish!

If he continues to text her after you’ve discussed it or goes ahead and meets her, I’m afraid there is very little you can do hunny. But at the end of the day if he cares enough about your feelings and his relationship he’s sure to either stop speaking to her, or at least reach a compromise you are both happy with.

Best of luck Ruth and stay in touch,

Mike x

17 Comments

  1. I disagree…you either trust him or you don’t. I understand why it would upset you, but you just snooped through his phone…you shouldn’t have done that to begin with. If you want a relationship to work it has to be on the premis of complete honesty and openess..and to be harsh, if he wants to cheat he will do it, you snooping and questioning him in this manner will only push him to do it.

    Be open about how it makes you feel, but don’t expect him to drop someone from his life because it isn’t fair, and I doubt you would appreciate him asking the same of you. The fact they are talking sugests that are both over it and have moved on. I am friends with a couple of my exes…and that is all it is, and if my boyfriend asked me to stop seeing them then more than likely I would stop seeing him. The lack of trust in me, and the relationship would be insulting.

    I suggest you stop looking through his phone, but ask him to be honest about it all.

    Good luck! Iknow it isn’t easy
    xx

  2. If you were checking his phone I think it is reasonable to assume you have a problem with trust? Have you been hurt in the past? I am a really jealous person by nature but being 34 and have been through a handful of relationships, I can safely say the one I am in now is by far the most secure I have every been in. Why? Because I have learned to trust him 100%. In the beginning I had to bite my tongue not to ask jealous type questions, where you going? who with? what girls will be there?, you know the sort of thing I mean. Over time I have learned not even to think these things now and I can see that looking back, these were the sorts of questions that pushed old boyfriends away. As awful as it is – if he is the type to cheat, then he will cheat and you will find out about it. This is not the sort of person you want to spend you life with, so get rid and move on. If you keep checking his phone or question him about it you will slowly push him away making him resent you. You could potentially put the idea into his head as other girls suddenly seem more appealing. Until you have reason not to trust him (solid evidence, not just a text to an ex about general stuff) you have to trust him. It’s hard and I appreciate that but you have to act as if you trust him 100% and slowly you will start to. When a friend of mine had been cheated on I made sure I talked to him about it and how hurt I would be if I had someone do that to me. He knows my thoughts on the subject and I know he agrees with me – all without having to mention anything about our own relationship.
    Hope things improve for you, I know exactly how you feel
    xx

  3. His past should be just that, his past. Why hide whats supposingly harmless or “nothing”

  4. Try reading I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper – a book for anyone who needs help and advice dealing with their partner’s past relationship(s) – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  5. I just did a google search on how to deal with finding texts on your boyfriend’s phone from his ex….After reviewing Google’s results I clicked on this link…I’m glad I did. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this! You most likely have dealt with a trust issue in your past…WHO HASN’T?!?!

    I was in an 8 year relationship with a man that looking back, I should have left after 6 months (those times were fun). I learned that he had (2) children and neither of them by me.

    8 months after that relationship ended (not that it was a clean break…though it really should’ve been) I met an AMAZING MAN! He’s kind, respectful, GORGEOUS (never knew I could be so lucky), responsible, level headed, etc.

    Needless to say… I HAVE TRUST ISSUES!!! After reading the posts and responses here I am torn. I went through his phone before after an outing that seemed suspicious to me and found that he was texting a coworker that is also a good friend’s ex girlfriend. Nothing harmless per say…but open for interpretation…. I text her back and well… the next day I confessed to him and he was far from impressed with the invasion of privacy but also was understanding of where I was coming from. (He really is pretty reasonable, which at time makes me feel crazy).

    Since then there really hasn’t been any issues…unknown to him (I think)I have continued to look through his phone and although there has been communications with females I may not have known about, there is nothing concerning on the topics. I DO KNOW that he is aware of my trust issue and at times has the best of intentions to “protect” me by not sharing things.

    So…. here is the question for all of you: Last weekend we say his most recent ex at the park where we take our dog, it was brief…a quick wave, no biggie. She emailed him later that night or the next day and said it was nice seeing him…yada yada. He told me about this and before he sent his reply asked me to read it and wanted me to know. This is respectful and I did appreciate it. I told him I didn’t need to read it to me so he read it aloud and I told him it was nice and thanked him for sharing it.

    Now…. here we are 3 days later and I looked through his phone. I tend to do so from time to time.. I just can’t shake it. I discovered texts from his ex prior to the one we saw at the park and from what I know… has a stronger bond with… she sent him a link to a song telling him that when she hears it all she thinks about is him. The next day he replied with something like “there are a lot of songs that make me think of you”. “I don’t remember the name of it but the one that……”

    Side note: I am using this as a journal right now to a certain extent… and thank you :) I know there are issues so here we go.

    A. Do I stop looking through his phone?
    B. Do I tell him what I found looking through his phone? (he wasn’t so impressed the first time)
    C. Should I play it cool? I don’t want to drive him away. And this isn’t me being desperate, he really is quite a freaking catch on many levels… but of course I’m not willing to be taken advantage of just to keep a “catch”. He’s kind, funny, successful, APPRECIATIVE and loves his Mom (who lives hundreds of miles away).
    D. I have a REALLY HARD TIME if I try to bottle these things up. I don’t do so well and he knows something is bothering me. I don’t want to push him away but I also want to be treated with the respect that I feel I deserve.
    E. Are all relationships hard? I know that EVERY relationship requires some “give and take”. But… when do you know that you should hang on at the RISK of being heart broken again???

    That’s what it really is for me I think. I’m scared of being the victim again. But I don’t want that fear to take over this relationship with what I believe to be a truly great man and push him away… GRRRRRR. How do I or do I drive out the thoughts that consume me after KNOWING what is being texted?!?!?!?

  6. Hey Kay!

    Sorry if that isn’t your name – I only have your e-mail address to go on! Wow, what a predicament! I know your comment was long and you had a good rant (and so you should), but I’m going to keep this very brief! You’ve told me he’s amazing, he’s everything you’re looking for and you really like him. You’ve checked his phone which is wrong, but we all do it. You’ve found nothing really – let’s be honest. You’ve checked lots of times and haven’t found a thing. Better yet, he’s not deleting the texts and hiding them – they’re all there for you to see. However, he should not be in contact with ex girlfriends if it makes you insecure. It is there responsibility to leave him alone, and his responsibility to tell them straight that it’s not appropriate for them to contact him. Do not mention you have looked through his phone, instead, talk to him about your insecurities and ask that he refrains from any contact with ex girlfriends – he’s an understanding guy, so he’s likely to oblige.

    I hope that helps lover…

    Kisses, Rich xx

  7. i’m going though this atm, my boyfriends facebook was left logged in and he’s lied to me in the past about things so i had a little look in the messages. i found messages dating back for months between him and his ex apologising for being a rubbish boyfriend like he was hinting for her to say something like she’d like him back! also found out he’s been texting her when we argue. he’s denied txing her for about 5 months so he’s lying to my face. i dont know what to do! i’ve kicked off at him about it and typical of him he’s just stopped speaking to me. aint replied to my texts, aint rang me etc. i found a valentines card off this girl in his room that he’s kept and he’s constantly chatting to her on facebook. she does his invoices and never told me they dated until his nan let it slip he just kept saying they were mates. so confused on what to do!!

  8. How do cope with a boy friend who is still friends with his ex wife and an ex girl friend. I have been in a friend/ship relationship for six months and spent most of that time touring in a caravan around France and Spain. The ex girl friend and ex wife were both constantly in touch with my friend. The are both visiting the UK next month and spending time in his company. I can almost except his friendship with his ex wife but I find it hard to understand the friendship with his ex girlfriend. When she comes to visit she will be staying in my boyfriends caravan and will be travelling around the country with him until she returns to Peru. I will not be with him when they both come to visit him. I feel that I unable to continue with the friendship if this is how things are going to be.

  9. The same thing is happening to me but he tells me that there is nothing to worry about but it bugs the hell out of me cause he still text his ex and he texts her right in front of me …..is this just something I have to get over?.

  10. I am going through something similar. I am divorced and my boyfriend is divorced. We have lived together for almost 2 years. He and his ex-wife seem to keep texting. Mine and her birthday’s are two days apart. She sent him a birthday card for his so I asked if he was going to send her one. He made all this big act up of how I had nothing to worry about and there was no way he was going to send her a birthay card, but he had already sent her one that morning. I read his text message to her later that night that said he sent her a card… He lied to me knowing the entire time that he had done what I was asking if he was going to. He was off work all week this past week and was texting someone and talking to someone several times, but deleting the texts and the calls. I keep telling him that this is wrong and appears as if he is hiding from me. He has cheated on me with his ex and I forgave him, but told him there would not be a third time. I feel like he is still cheating by texting with her even if she did move to another state and deleting texts, phone calls, etc so I don’t see them. He says he leaves his phone out so I can look at it anytime because he has nothing to hid. Is he hiding things? I truly do love him and in all other areas we have no issues at all, this is our only one. If we ever argue it’s over this and it always ends with him saying I need to get over my insecurities. I told him last night I need to be able to trust him again. I have told him I look at his phone as I cannot lie about anything… Am I in the wrong or is it ok for him to continue keeping in touch with his ex? They have no children together so there are no ties in that area.

  11. I’m going through something similar. About 9 months ago, by bf and I were in a huge fight about his ex, because she kept calling and texting him and it made me feel really uncomfortable. I thought her behaviour was totally inapropriate, but my boyfriend didn’t see anything wrong with being friends with this person. Anyway, out of love for me he promised he would not continue to have contact with her. A couple of months later she posted something on his facebook wall and I, being the jealous mess that I am, began to worry. I have to admit, I went through his phone and found texts from and to her. The texting continued until this very day, he doesn’t know that I know. I can’t believe he would go behind my back and out of his way to keep in touch with her. I feel so betrayed. The texts were innocent enough, although in some of them he proposed meeting with her. Recently I discovered (yes, I’m still checking his phone and I feel horrible) that the texts were deleted. Why would he delete them now? I don’t think he suspects that could have read them. What did he say to her that he wanted no one else to see?
    When I first found out about the texts, I told him how much it means to me that he promised not to talk to his ex anymore (because I obviously couldn’t tell him I went through his phone), thus giving him the chance to come clean and confess he broke his promise, but he just nodded and smiled.
    I don’t think I can forgive him for abusing my trust so shamelessly, but I can’t bring myself to confront him about it. Somehow, I don’t feel ready to break up with him yet (we’ve been together 3 years now+living together for 1 year). I hate this situation so much!

  12. I need opinions please, last night it was new years and my boyfriend my daughter and I were having a night in together I heard his phone go off at midnight and he was kind of acting strange when I asked him who it was, after he fell asleep and looked through his phone I saw that he had text his ex girlfriend and said Happy New Year,I totally lost it. our daughter is almost 1 am I crazy to throw our relationship away,I don’t want to live being insecure and worrying if he’s texting her all the time?

  13. Hi Laura,

    Without knowing all the context it’s hard to give you some advice. But if this girl simply wrote ‘Happy New Year’ to him, I don’t think it’s anything you should worry about or throw your relationship out over. Simply chat to your other half, tell him how you feel about her texting and ask him not to reply to her or explain to her that he’s moved on and please do not text again.

    I hope that helps!

    Rich xx

  14. Hi
    I just went through my boyfriends old phone… Lets begin the sag… I told him it upsets me him n his ex talk n text . There have been several times we had an encounter of this. I asked straight out if the communication was appropriate. He said yex they r just friends…. Well I cracked and looked through his old phone. October/ September texts. They were not appropriate at all.., I miss you’d from both parties… Making out comments… Long story short I called him in the middle of the night. He is away for work till friday. I flipped out!!! He apologized but said that it was a violation of trust. I completely agree but my point is… If you care for someone as much as he says he does why would he keep texting her??? On top of the fact it’s inappropriate. We r having a talk when he returns,.,not excited about that.

    I feel terrible about breaking the trust . At the same time why did I have to go to such an extreme when he knew how much it upset me…
    I don’t know what to do or think. My first instinct is to run bc he is having a flirty emotional affair with his ex. He broke my trust with lying that their relationship was innocent.

    The only reason I went so low as to check was to see what she was saying…I know she still wants him. It’s so obvious when she texts him at 8am on his birthday..,
    I have never gone through a persons phone…

    What are your thoughts?? I told him he is never to talk to her again.. He agreed but I don’t know where the trust discussion is going to go on Friday. I need some advice!! Help

  15. Hi,
    I was actually looking for an advice on how to deal with a cheating bf with his ex and stumbled upon yours.

    I never check my bf phone but there was this time when he forgot to log out from his Facebook and i just can’t help it but to go through his messages. Come to my suprise, he was still in touch with his ex gf. What hurts more is that both of them told me that they haven’t talked to each other for a long time now. Well i actually befriended his ex in FB after i found out that he still hangs his exes photos on his room’s wall. I told her about the photos and we managed to come up to an agreement that it’s nothing. So i befriended her. But back to the messages that i found out after few months i befriended the ex. I wad shocked and it really hurts my feeling when i read their conversation. They were addressing each other with the names they used before like they’re still in a relationship, they even talk about how they miss each other, about plan to meet up and stay in the same room again next time. It hurts a lot to think that they fooled me and lied to me. I talked nicely to my bf about it and i said i wanna break up. He cried and promised me that it will never happen again. I love him so much so i gave him another chance. However, i still feels like he’s not really being honest with me. Plus, we’re having a long distance relationship in which we only get to meet twice or 3 times in a year because we both are working in different area. It’s hard but i’m still holding on and now we’re together for 4 years.

    There will still be a time when we argue over the same topic but we manage to get through it. He might still have a feeling for her ex but there’s nothing i can do about it. He’s a nice guy though, he doesn’t smoke or drink and he’s caring but i still have trust issue with him. I know he had her number in his phone but i never checked. Even if i check his phone, it’s all in Chinesse and unfortunately i don’t read chinesse.

    I wonder if this feeling will ever go away, the insecurities of having an ex gf in between you and your bf/ gf. I don’t have the courage to cheat or to make my bf feels how it feels like being cheated. I always believe in ‘treat other as you want to be treated’.. Am i a fool for giving my bf a chance when it’s obvious that he still flirt with his ex gf? The reason they broke up before was because she found another guy while she works oversea or should i say, she cheats on him? Up to these days, sometimes it bothers me because i don’t see him everyday and i don’t know what is he doing at his place. How can i ever get rid of this trust issue?

    Thank you and good luck people..

    xx

  16. hey all, was looking for advice re my partner txing his ex and came across this… glad i am not the only one in the predicament haha.

    I saw a message on my partners fone from his ex asking how he was and saying that she missed him etc, he replied with just asking how he was but she keeps messaging him saying she didnt know if she should message him she has also created a FB account but has only added him as a friend… not sue what to do or think, i do have trust issues and my prtner knows how much it would upset me ans has said he isnt txing an ex so he blanently lied to my face… Stuck

    hope all you guys r ok and have sorted things xx

  17. I have read all of these messages about guys keeping in touch with their exes and honestly……you need to just move on. I know that it is hard as hell but once your trust has been broken there isn’t really a way to get it back. You break glass and then glue it back together. You can still see the cracks and it is 10x easier to break again. I have been through the same thing and I was miserable after I found out that my fiance was still talking to his ex wife (whom he also has children with). I became insecure and worried myself all the time. I knew that if I could just learn to believe that he only wanted to be with me that our relationship would be so much better but……..once you break that trust…….you are much happier on your own. It isn’t easy by any means because you are comfortable with him and you will think that he is the only man for you but it is worth it and will give you a chance to have the right guy come into your life and treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. All you have to do is make sure that you are happy with you and then someday somebody will be lucky enough to appreciate that.

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