Dumped Out Of The Blue, How Do I Move On?

Dear Mike,

I have been with my boyfriend now for about two years. We had the occasional argument but on the whole we were an amazing couple, always laughing and joking, going away for nice holidays. We were the type of couple that others wanted to be. That was until around a month ago when, out of the blue, he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore and decides to leave me.

I am so angry. I met him when he was up to his neck in debt and was being kicked out of his house. While we’ve been together I’ve got him out of debt, which hasn’t done wonders for my bank balance, and helped him improve his relationship with his parents so he could move back home. He always had a job that wasn’t going anywhere and together we’ve worked really hard to get him a great traineeship in the metropolitan police, with a great wage and prospects. I feel completely used. He met me when he was a complete down and out and I fell in love with his charm. And now his life is going somewhere he says he doesn’t have the time for a relationship. I’m on a full time traineeship too – I can manage having a boyfriend! What kind of jerk does that?! What should I do? I feel so guilty I have pressured so much to see him that with his now hectic work load I’ve ended up pushing him away.

Thank you for your advice, Jess, Sussex UK

Hi Jess,

Being dumped, whether it’s out of the blue or not, is extremely tough for anyone, but the first thing you should do is concentrate on not feeling guilty. That’s no reason to end a relationship. If anyone should feel guilty he should, because not being able to juggle a job and a girlfriend is no excuse.

The one thing you should do is ask yourself why he has done this and what it says about him and any future you two might have shared together. It’s better to learn now he’s unreliable than later on when children and financial security might matter. But from what it sounds his financial downfall has already started to affect your own credit. I bet he wasn’t paying for those nice holidays.

It seems the man has never had a job that requires much commitment and therefore he was able to commit himself to you and your relationship…. but only for a while. When the going got a little tough and he started to learn what a real job is like, he’s found himself unable to fully commit himself to both you and his career. What you need to ask is, if he can’t handle having a relationship and a job that requires more than stocking selves, what would have happened when that house and baby came along? As I said, it’s better to find out now rather than later.

In terms of moving on with your life I think you should focus on putting him out of your mind and focusing on the traineeship you mentioned. The other important thing is, when you feel ready, is to get yourself out there again. Read the ReallyRich.com article on meeting men online – if it’s only to make yourself feel more confident it’s worth it. You can see this situation as you having wasted two years of your life or you can look at it and learn from it and thank you lucky stars it was only two years.

Best of luck Jess, you sound like a intelligent, loving young woman and who wants a man who doesn’t want that?

Mike x