My Boyfriend Hit Me

Today I received this tragic email – This brave girl’s name has been removed to preserve her identity. I hope this helps others in her position.

Dear Mike,
I feel stupid writing to you but in a way it’s easier than talking to someone who knows me personally. I would greatly appreciate if you could help me.

My boyfriend and I are engaged and planning to get married. We never used to argue before his mum passed away a month ago. Since it happened we row most days and understandably he’s still very angry all the time. I want to be a big support for him because I was with him when she had the accident and I know he blames himself for what happened.

I thought I could deal with the fights and the anger until about 2 weeks ago when he got physical. He punched me around the face during sex. It happened so quickly I didn’t know how to react and I was left so disorientated and confused. He made my nose bleed, but then apologised saying he just got carried away, so in the end I didn’t tell anyone.

I thought it was a one off but it’s happened 3 times since then, always during arguments. He just launches himself at me and it normally ends in with me running into the bathroom, locking the door and crying until he calms down. Plus, everytime we have sex now I’m so scared as he seems so much more rough.

I’m so ashamed. Am I not being supportive enough? We keep arguing about me not leaving him alone but I’ve fallen in love with this man and I can’t go back home as my parents now live abroad. I don’t know what to do. I’m meant to be building a life with him but I can’t stand what he’s doing.
Please give me some advice.
Love L.

MY REPLY

Dear L,

I’m going to talk to you frankly like I would one of my best friends. Firstly, thanks for sharing your story. Many women suffer in silence with domestic violence. You have nothing be ashamed of and there is no excuse for his behaviour, even if his mum has passed away.

I see you keep excusing his anger. This is fair enough when it’s grieving or anger, but what he is doing to you is not acceptable and he must understand this.

In the circumstances I think you did the right thing by staying after the first time it happened, although many women will disagree. His sudden change in personality is undoubtedly due to the circumstances with his mum. However because it’s now happened on a regular basis it cannot be overlooked, regardless of the situation. What you are experiencing is physical and emotional abuse.

So my advice is leave straight away, no matter how difficult. Go and stay with a friend or a relative or even a work mate. Do not be ashamed of your situation as no one will think bad of you. If anything they will respect you for being a strong woman and standing up to domestic violence. You can then deal with the situation from afar and talk with your boyfriend calmly. You need to explain that what he’s done has damaged your relationship and as much as he’s going through a very tough time at the moment, you will not be his punch bag and you don’t feel safe in the house.

Trust your judgment. If you don’t feel safe then stay away. Nothing else matters other than your safety. Money, house, possessions, love. They don’t matter as much as life. And many women have stuck around to see if it happens “one more time” and have ended up being badly beaten or even worse.

I am not trying to scare you – I’m just being honest. You must follow your gut not your heart. If you need any help please get in touch. There are also many support groups you can join. Womens Aid is a great one.

Be strong, you’ve already made the first step by telling someone.
Wishing you all the luck in the world,

Mike x

Image courtesy of WrightsWords